


marmalade sea life

by London_The_Loser



Category: I Am Not Okay with This (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Vulgar Language, i love stanley literally so much, just kinda sad but much crack, mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use, mentions of self harm, use of gay slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23048692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London_The_Loser/pseuds/London_The_Loser
Summary: just some angst/crack from the perspective of stanley barber, a homosexual in denial, a transgender, and a very serious case of adhd
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	marmalade sea life

“you look like a faggot”

_yes, daddy. lovely information i’m learning this fine evening. in fact, you should keep informing me that i’m a worthless piece of-_

__“great talk dad.”_ _

__stanley wandered towards the door. he wondered if he should bring shoes- well i mean duh you’re going to party- but shoes are just another restriction- but you’re going to a fucking party- but- no._ _

__the walk to his car was uncomfortable, his ratty sneakers already soggy at the tips from the wet grass. he didn’t usually like wet things. it was far too slimy. well, except for- nope._ _

__his fucked up car smelled less like weed than it had in years. he climbed into the front seat, chuckling softly at the fact that it took one girl and her pretty laugh to cartwheel through all his problems. pfff, sydney _cartwheeling? _he laughed again. tonight was going to be a good night. because he may look like a faggot but he really wasn’t one. he was 100% in love with sydney. but there were times- no. he loved sydney. but he knows for a fucking fact that- _no _goddamnit, he wasn’t fucking gay._____ _

______his hands were wet. wet? wet isn’t the right word, man. like... more like moist? ew, fuck no. moist sounds way too sexual. that’s like “shit my hands are so moist with this c- pUSsY”. moist was passionate. wet was just like... flaccid. floppy. like “your clit tastes like expired cheese, babe” kinda floppy. anyway, his hands were sweaty. probably from the nerves. it happened a lot. he was a nervous boy. _girl _\- BOY. a nervous boy.___ _ _ _ _ _

________oh shit he was already there. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. fuckaldy fuck fuck. did he bring his weed? did he want to smell like weed at the party? why does he even give a shit? where was his weed? did his dad know he had weed? where the fuck is his weed? wh-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________stanley climbed out of the car, strolling towards the stairs. one of them looked uneven... like, by a centimeter. maybe it’s unstable. that would be fucking hilarious, if the entire building just went splat because of one fucked up stair. maybe he should stomp on it- naw._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________he reached the door and swallowed down a sigh. which resulted in him burping. so charming, he knew. what a catch. stanley barber, choking down nervous energy so much that he belched that shit back up- no. he’s fine. nobody heard. nobody can like... hear his fucking thoughts. although that would be cool._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________stealing himself, he reached for the handle, took a breath. and pulled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________****_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________so, not a total shit show. he didn’t say anything cute like he expected, but he said something. and that’s all that happened. he- he asked her out and he _left _and nothing else happened- nope. no superpowers or yelling- oh shit the yelling. he didn’t-___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(“stanley get your fucking ass over here! you’re saying you what, dyke? you wanna what? you wanna be a boy? yeah, fuck that. no one needs to hear this shit, i don’t want a word about this shit from you. we don’t want people thinkin my dna is bay shit n’ piss, do we? don’t fucking tell anyone!”)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________he pulled in. his car was broken. he was all fucking wet. why is everything so wet lately? aside from sydney. ha- he’s so funny-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________fuck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________his dad was on the porch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________suddenly stan felt the urge to go back, forgot whatever memories sydney’s anger brought back and suck it up. stay the night over there. ignore the monster under his bed, the man on his porch, the demons in his head. whatever you wanted to call his issues. they came in different fuckin forms. jellyfish didn’t deal with this shit. those slime ass mother fuckers don’t have hearts or brains. they just had their electrical noodle tentacles lookin things and their glowy shit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________but no, stanley barber was stuck on land in this stupid flesh bag he called a body. a flesh bag that was most likely about to get a good pounding. maybe his dad should take up butchery. he’s appreciate the art. and the blood. stanley could receive a daily gift from the shop like some kids got, a small little trinket. except maybe his trinket would more or less resemble regularly received animal genitalia. it’s fine. he’d just deal with getting hit in his stupid flesh bag body on this stupid moist ass earth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________the punch hurt more than it had in a while. at least his dad left it at one. and of course some unsavory words. no, stanley barber did not exactly appreciate being called a “slutty ass dyke”. like, come on dad, what the fuck is your definition of slut? stanley was pretty confident a t shirt and sea foam suit was one of the least sexually appealing things one could wear. or he could show up in a nuns gown. he would gladly go around school with his hood up and a pointy ass cross ready to stabby stab any bitches in the balls. or vagina. he didn’t discriminate. any respective genitalia, really. but not in the gay way. nope._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________anyway, he’s getting side tracked. (when the fuck _isn’t _he getting side tracked?).___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________so, stanley. get your shit together. where’s your list book? you need that shit. so you can make a list. what else would the list book before? ugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________•Sydney said yes to come coming  
•Sydney totally does not have superpowers  
•Sydney yelled at you and it gave you some big sad thoughts  
•You crashes your fucking car  
•You dad hit you  
•You need therapy_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________yup. sounds... pretty fucking accurate. except maybe the last one. that ones a bit of a stretch. seeing as he’s always so weird and energetic and silly, he’s probably low key fine. dysphoria and insecurity doesn’t mean sHiT._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________also, he’s still fucking pissed about his car. like all hail fuckin sydney and her tree chopping wizardry but for gods sakes he didn’t need her skeeting across a dark ass road like a fucking squirrel. ha, sydney the squirrel. maybe that’s it. maybe she has super strong squirrel powers but just fucking hates trees. which, sorry hypothetical sydney, is bullshit. god, sydney, have fucking fun breathing nothing. stanley will be over here being sad and abused but at least he agrees with oxygen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________oh, a b u s e d. that’s an interesting word. quite large in meaning, yet smol in letters. that’s why he mentally stretched it out. in his fucking mind monologue. he stylized text in his text. god, he needs a hit. and ice. his face hurts like a fucking bitch. fucking bitches. fucking women. fucking pussy. he’s so straight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________***_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“i kissed someone else at the party”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________stanley wanted to be a fucking slimy jello lookin ass ocean blob. a jelly fish. a jam aquatic creature. a marmalade sea animal. whatever the fuck you would like to call it, stanley wanted to be one. if humans can cut themselves, can jelly fish sting themselves? he hopes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________W oA H calm down there stanley, that’s no no territory._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________fuck, right, sydney kissed someone. question her ask question act nOrMal-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“uh... before or after i asked you to home coming?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________what the fuck stanley. this isn’t about you. it’s like... nEvEr about you. and this certainly isn’t. because sydney is struggling with this _thing _and of course that’s the priority. idiot-___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“did you think we were like... together?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________oh yeah sorry i sort of forgot that high schoolers are dicks and sex doesn’t mean anything anymore- ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“i mean we did... at my house... that one night... that was my first time doing it...”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________and it was fucking awkward as shit. like luckily sydney thought my scar was some like heart surgery thing or some shit but then goddamn was the taking off of the pants fucking uncomfortable- like “oH HeY SYd, sOrRy i KNoW yOu AiN’T GaY LiKE tHaT BuT i HAvE a tHiCK CliT, nOT A DiCK”  
so no, they never really... f u c k e d. they made out on the couch and both got off and she pretended like it was totally normal that stanley had no prominent bulging bulge and that he was 190% against taking his pants off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“me too”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________w a i t_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________that was sydney’s first time kissing? making out? doing sexual shit? the fuck? can he die now? holy-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“right”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________humor. yes. much funny._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“So this person you kissed, and I'm not gonna ask who, because I'm above it and I don't care. I'm not even the least bit jealous. But just tell me does he dress cooler than me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________dO YoU DrESS aS GaY As mE?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________oh hey she laughed. because this is a joke. h a. mhm. fuck him. well actually no, that’s too gay. and stanley barber is a child of jesus. yeet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ew. don’t do that again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________everything was fine. they’d get through this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________***_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________everything was not fine. his bony ass elbows just crawled towards fate and jabbed his baby wenis into her fucking face. yes, fate is a she. and yes, his wenis is in fact extremely juvenile. wenis. what a funny word. sounds like penis. he wish he had one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________anyway, yeah he fucked up mucho big. said some shit. did some shit. is now trying to figure out how to cover the dents in the wall so he wouldn’t get fired. he still had several more months of testosterone dosages to cover. lord knows his father won’t pay for them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________all in all he’ll probably be going back home specifically to sit in a far too hot shower for an hour and think about what he’s done. he’ll deal with his dads screeching about the water bills later. if he won’t help stanley pay for his medical issues, he’ll take that shit from him one way or another._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________maybe he could drill the bowling balls into the dents and call them decorative. spur of the moment decision, boss. it just needed a little flavor. yeah, he’ll do that. and hopefully nail his hand to the wall as well until he starves. like jesus fucking christ._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________jesus fucking christ? wait, jesus is christ..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________jesus masturbating._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________he’ll even snag some pencils and make a crown of thorns. someone will walk in and think “who the fuck is that mucus worm with the pencil hat and industrially stapled hand? oH SHiT, iTs STaNLeY.” then there will be a memorial and many tears. a week later and he’ll be gone. literally deceased. not a single memory._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________he’s doing great. he’ll always be doing great. or sometimes he won’t be. for now he’s in the bowling alley he works at, maybe kind of crying a little bit, cleaning up soda cans that he had allegedly placed there for his superhero best friend to knock over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________yup._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________peachy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


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